My topics....

Reflecting on not only my journal for this class but my journals that I have kept over the years have very common themes in them.  Family, Love, Death, Independence, Loneliness.

More specifically:
Family:  not having a conventional family, coming from a 'broken family', not being able to have a family until I am old enough, and coping with essentially being alone until that day comes.

Love:  My first love, being in love, what love makes us do, what it turns us into, does love go away?  Does love die?  Should it die?  Who really loves me?

Death: Fear of Dying, Comfort with dying, accepting death, running out of time, dying suddenly, dying painfully, watching others die, not knowing exactly what happens right after.

Independence: The more and more I read my journal the more self sufficient i get and the less disappointed I am because I create my own path.

Loneliness: Not having friends, not being loved enough by someone, being isolated, being kicked out, being homeless, being 3000 miles away from anything i knew, having the only person i love estrange me, estranging myself from the world for love. 

These are all ridiculously self absorbed but hey its the only place I get to talk and think about myself first. 

So today besides my original idea of discussing my transition to complete independence, I thought of a few things.  My grandmother has recently died only she wasn't my real grandmother.  I have also been a very self assured person with a very clear self image until the day that my father mentioned that I was perhaps not his daughter.  So this strikes me as the first time I felt my identity being ripped away form me.  Also coming from parents of two different races, I have experienced some very interesting things in the world regarding how I am identified and surprisingly how I am identified with my own family is just as difficult. I was also talking to a classmate today and she had apparently been in my department at Kean.  She had auditioned for a play that I worked on, which became one of the most stressful and trying time in my life that later raked in HUGE consequences.  When I asked her what part she auditioned for, she said she was going for the lead.  It made me think of how different my life would have been if she had indeed gotten the part.  It would have been DRAMATICALLY different since the girl winning lead role had a minor affair with my "boyfriend" during the run of that show.  I was told that this was a story already by my classmates....